Are we a Society That Teaches Girls to Adjust Instead of Living?
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| A girl’s future should be shaped by education and freedom — not forced adjustment. |
In India, conversations around honour killings, forced marriages, and young women eloping are often reduced to isolated incidents. But they are not isolated — they are symptoms of a deeper problem: how we deny girls education, independence, and the freedom to make their own choices. I originally wrote this as a reply on Quora. But the more I reflected on it, the more I felt it deserved a larger space — because this is not just someone’s story. This is our society, our parenting patterns, and our collective failure to practice true gender equality.
The post highlighted honour killings and the heartbreaking reality of young women eloping — occasionally even after marriage.
Where it all begins
All this begins when a woman is denied a proper education. That’s the first mistake — and often the root cause behind gender inequality and women’s suffering.
Then, she is denied a proper work choice. She should either not work or work somewhere near home, even if it pays less. She should not become very independent as she may go in a wrong direction and start dominating. This is as if boys never go in a wrong direction, and as if all people who become independent automatically become misguided. That’s a very blunt way of thinking — and a dangerous one.
The invisible restrictions
Then, she is denied the freedom to marry as per her wish. If she takes a decision for herself, she may be ostracized from her family and community — or worse, become a victim of honour killing.
The number of families who truly trust their daughter’s choices is very small. Ironically, the chances of marrying the right person increase when a woman is educated and independent. But since education and independence are already denied, many end up making rushed or wrong decisions.
I am talking about cases where girls in their late teens try to elope. This is often a sign of confusion about life — the dangerous gift of uneducation.
Marriage is not slavery
And wait — it doesn’t end there.
The real horror often starts after marriage.
She must clean, wash, cook, and serve. Otherwise, people (especially the husband, which hurts deeply) will label her kaamchor. Children automatically become the woman’s responsibility. A man can drink and return home late at night, but a woman shouldn’t stay away from her children even for a day.
And yes, she is expected to care for her sasur and saasu, even if her husband treats her own parents like garbage.
I understand that boys also face pressure from parents and society. But boys definitely enjoy a degree of independence that girls rarely do. That’s why many girls grow up thinking, “kaash mai ladka hoti,” “all pains are only for women,” and “boys have so much freedom.”
What right education really means
When a woman leaves her home after marriage, it should be to build a life with her partner — not to serve an entire household.
Why should a girl do everything for a boy’s family, while a boy does very little for the girl’s side? A boy can also cook in his in-law’s house. A boy can also stay with his in-laws. There is nothing wrong in that.
That is women empowerment.
That is right education.
And when parents on either side grow old or fall ill, both husband and wife should care for them equally. Son-in-law and daughter-in-law should slowly transform into son and daughter. The word “in-law” should exist only for convenience.
When this happens, family dynamics improve. Lives become easier for everyone.
Change in education system and mindset is crucial
All this will change only when our education system changes — and when parenting changes.
This society will truly heal when parents treat a girl child the same way they treat a boy child. When they stop feeling disappointed at the birth of a daughter. When they invest in her education, encourage her independence, and help her make informed choices.
Only then will elopements, ostracizing, forced marriages, and honour killings begin to decline.
In our society, parents of male children eagerly wait to eat chapatis made by their bahus. Meanwhile, parents of girls start teaching their daughters how to cook, how to behave politely, and how to prepare financially for marriage — almost from day one.
When this mindset changes, we will become happier and less stressed as a society. That too is a powerful form of education.
Next steps for us
Even with all our technological progress, we are still living in a complicated emotional mess. That’s why honour killings still exist.
If we make small changes in how we raise children, share responsibilities, and define marriage, things will slowly change.
I haven’t touched caste and religion here — that’s an even deeper layer. I don’t want to mix it into this reflection.
